Today I got to think about why some models keep on modelling for a long time and some don´t.
While we all start with a motivation our motivations change and sometimes make someone change to other interests or... not ;-) Iam what I shoot (photos, not people or animals) and there is tons of memories and sometimes even symbolism in the photos I did in my live. I dare to post some of it since it relates to how I have become what Iam. And since this is my online-diary I consider it THE place to do...
When I originally started modelling it was to finance my regular trips abroad to visit the boyfriend I had during that time. I started in Januar 2004.
A dear friend of mine got pregnant back in 2004 and she wanted to take some pics of her and her baby-belly and I recommended a photographer with that I had worked before. Since she didn´t knew him I offered to go together with her and have some pics taken, too. Note how tiny I was!!!! This was due to tons of stress that I had the year before. I lost 15 kilos due that stress (Nowadays I regained the weight which is good cause it just wasn´t feeling healthy). I had not discovered pin up for me at this point....
Dumped by my foreign boyfriend I started to shoot more than ever, cause it was the only chance to forget about what had happened. I had by that time developed a big wish to do a real pin up shooting and got a huge crush on a handsome talented man that had an interest in pin ups, too. I managed to finally find a photographer that also had a stylist and in order of that booked my first pin up shooting. And I did that photofor the guy I had the crush on to givve the pic to him to tell about my feelings.
Still very sad about the loss of the boyfriend that had dumped me (you know the foreign one) I really got furious to find out 8 months afterwards that he had actually cheated me. My wounds, that were about to heal in prospect of a new possible love, broke open. But this time I wasn´t crying. I was in rage. And so I asked Thomas van de Scheck which is a fab photographer when it comes to photos related to fetish/violence/pain and symbolism to do a voodoo-doll shooting to change my rage into creativity in order to feel better again and to let it all out... The photo even made it in his next book, so my "revenge" is sort of immortal *lol*
My plan with the "I love you" pin up pic for that handsome guy was actually a good idea. But somehow my love seemed to be greater than his or my idea of relationship just different. I was unhappy about things since I was very very lonely and this photos that I took during that time just seem to say "I´m going off to new things. But I don´t look back in anger since it is me that took the decision." it was the right thing to leave. After all a new man was about to enter my life so I really had to make a point and to decide how to go on.
Sometimes, but only sometimes, they show up: The handsome knights that rescue ladies from their destiny (you know... dragons, staying alone for the rest of their lives and stuff). After I had broken up he first became the best male friend that I ever had and the only person living that ever understood me fully. And after that he became the one that dried my tears and killed the heartache.... You probably guessed it... It´s John :-)
Am I happy with how things went? Yes Iam. After all it made me the person Iam today. I could have done with less heartache, but in the end it produced beautifull photos with a deep meaning to me. I also have photos with that I connect really funny stores... Maybe I´ll show them and tell about them, too. But not today... ;-)
Hugs,
Sari
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