The cosmos, relationships and why I think too much

Hi there!

It is mostly the mornings where I have some time to do some self-reflections. I like to sit in the morning train, drink my hot choclate, listen to music and just think about whatever moves me at the moment. Often this mornings are the foundations for the blogs I write ;-)


What was on my mind this morning:


No 1: A ex of mine told me he is sorry how bad things went for me during our relationship. Now that is like 7 years late, I appreciate it anyway. I hate to fight with someone and I´d love to eliminate all the bad feelings within me. However I doubt everyone I ever had trouble with has the ability/intelligence/interest to just even out things. Some people just love to hate you and they don´t need reasons. Some people will never realize how terribly wrong they did me. However it is allways worth a try and I can tell you I´ve come a long way.

No 2: I read "A Short history of nearly everything" by Bill Bryson right now. this year I saw a professor in physic explain some theories in a way that actually makes me understand it without any odd formulas that I can´t relate to anyway. It is not that I´m too stupid for that. I can perfectly use formulas in Excel.

It is more that I was terribly distracted back in my last years of school, so I don´t have the foundation to understand them. I was busy trying to survive in a class full of bullies. This had quiet and impact on my grades. Physic and Chemistry were mostly the last subjects in school, so it was "How to get out of here and get home without beeing insulted or beat up?" that I had on my mind. on the other hand by the time I learned Excel I was at a completely other place. I was part of a group and appreciated. So I had the chance to actually concentrate on what I was doing and became the best in Excel without much of an effort.

So now I read this book and some things become absolutely clear for me. Usually I consume books. I suck in the information and don´t need to think much about the backgrounds. With this one I often read a paragraph, than I put it down and think about what I just readed. I try to visualize. I think this is one I´ll actually enjoy reading for a long time. Yesterday I talked with John about atoms, protons and the big bang cause that was the topic I readed on lately. I´m very fortunate that I have a boyfriend with that I can actually talk about it as Iam sure i will learn a lot more on such topics and I really have a need to share it.

Ok, he´ll call me a smart-ass and nerd even more often now, but you can tell by his pleased grin that he actually likes that. After all he´s just the same, despite him pretending that I´m the brain in our relationship. Sometimes he says with a whiney voice "All you want is my body" and we both know that´s total bull. You should have heard him on what he said about the micro- and macrocosmos.

Sometimes when I´m around people I try to include my opinions and theories into our conversation. However in most cases I get more and more insecure the more they stare at me and end up feeling like an alien. I start to stutter uncontrollable. What a idiot they must consider me to be! :-( It´s no wonder I often just sit around silent.

Karma allways strikes back

hi everyone!

I´m truely not the kind of person that likes when something negative happens to others. But if that happens to someone that hurted my feelings really really bad I can´t help to feel relief. Few people hurted me so much that I can´t forgive and I really try to rather pitty those that have been unkind to me cause they have lost the oppurtunity to win a faithfull and true friend.

I´m the sort of friend that is there when something bad happens. I might not be around all the time cause I like to be for myself, too, but once I´m needed I´m there on the spot. I can truely say that I have never said something bad about someone that I couldn´t say in his face and my heart is pure as I still stick to the same basic ideals that I had in my childhood.

Anyway I might be too pure and idealistic at times which is why I often stumbled into troubles I could have avoided if I was able to see people the way they are and would be more suspicious and less willing to like everyone, but nowadays my ways have brought me to a happy and fullfilled life and my wonderfull boyfriend that totally understands my ways.

I´d say: It truely pays off to be good! I might be richer in money-termes if I were not the way Iam, but I rather chose a rich life any time :-)

So what´s up besides philosophing around? Last weekend I had a shooting in "Mary Poppins" Style with Tom Lanzrath. But I´ll let you know more details once I have some photos to post :-) This weekend there´ll be no shooting cause my aunt, John and me go to a short vacation to the dutch sea-side. I can really need some relaxing :-)

Hugs,
Sari